The Meeting

My partner, children, and I met the intended parents (IPs) and their four year old son this past weekend. It felt like the most important interview I've been on yet. I was a bit nervous leading up to it, starting silly fights with Jen about things like who would pack the picnic lunch and what time we should leave to head over to the park. We all met at our son's favorite park in Berkeley, hoping he'd be having enough fun that we'd actually be able to talk a bit. It worked. But then it was awkward. The Intended Mom and I had been emailing back and forth all week, very intimate emails sharing very personal stories and details about our lives. Meeting in person felt strange...as if we knew all of these complicated stories about the other but were supposed to be freshly acquainted. What was fair game to talk about? Did we discuss postpartum depression, abortions, strained family dynamics, as we had been in our emails, or did we keep it light? We opted to keep it light, but there were definitely periods of awkward silence. Our boys played very well together. Thankfully, they were kind to each other and shared fairly decently (imagine the awkwardness if one had knocked the other one over the head or some such nonsense). We all hugged as we were leaving and promised to be in touch. 

Then I got weird and angsty. I didn't hear from the Intended Mother for the rest of the weekend, which was strange considering we'd been exchanging several emails a day. I began to think that maybe the meeting didn't go as well as I had thought... maybe something I said or did turned them off...or maybe I chose the wrong snacks to bring to the picnic. As it turns out, they were just busy. I received a lovely email from them this morning about how excited they are to move forward. Oh the inner workings of my brain!

We had a friend over for dinner the other night. She asked my partner how she felt about my moving forward. Jen responded by saying that she feels it makes a lot of sense. She knows I didn't just enjoy pregnancy, but that it was actually a spiritual experience for me. It also feels karmically linked, as we needed someone else's help and body to make our family.  It was the first time I'd heard her talk about this process to someone else. I didn't realize how tentative I'd been about her take on all of this. I knew she supported me, but to hear her explain it all to someone else, it became clear how completely onboard she is with the process. I didn't realize I'd been holding my breath or walking on eggshells until that moment. What a relief! 

At this point, I'm anxious for next steps. I need to have a uterine assessment by their fertility doctor, as well as a psych assessment. The above neuroses aside, I'm pretty confident about the psych assessment.  I am feeling worried about the uterine assessment, though. What if something happened since my last pregnancy that I don't know about? What if I have ovarian cysts or fibroids? It all has been too good to be true so far! I just want to have the physical assessment out of the way so that I can let myself believe this might actually be happening.

And so it begins...

After years of pondering surrogacy, I am finally taking the plunge. This blog will serve to document my journey. I signed up with West Coast Surrogacy in February to become a gestational surrogate. After mounds of paperwork, medical record transfers, and background checks, I was admitted into their pool of surrogates. Only days later, I received an email that they had a potential match for me. I had a brief phone call with the Intended Parents last week. The energy between us was palpable. They are a wonderful, charming couple who I can imagine genuinely befriending along the way. My partner and our two children will meet them (and their four year old) next weekend at a park. Until then, I'll leave you with the letter I included with my application that explains my motivation for pursuing surrogacy.

Dear Intended Parents,

This letter was the hardest piece of the application for me to complete. I struggled for days to determine what I could include here that wasn’t found elsewhere in the application that would really speak to the very heart of who I am. I flashed back to 2009, when my partner and I were agonizing over sperm donor profiles. We had SO many questions that just weren’t covered by the Sperm Bank’s process. Most of those, though, were related to genetic predispositions and the donor’s preferences and affinities. As there will be no genetic ties in this surrogacy process, those questions all seem inconsequential. Instead, I want to let you know, in more detail, why this journey feels so right to me at this point in my life.

For as long as I can remember, I have longed to be pregnant. I have a vivid memory of sitting with  a close friend in the grass one day. She asked me what I thought my purpose was in this life. Without hesitating, I said “to bring life into this world.” I almost surprised myself with my certainty. Over the years, it has become clear to me that “to bring life into this world” has many layers of meaning. For me, it didn’t end when I birthed my own child. I have always felt called to be a midwife. I have always written off this desire as unrealistic for many reasons- some financial, some personal. I already have a graduate degree, and, with two young children at home, going back to school seemed impractical. Over the last six months, though, that need “to bring life into this world” via midwifery has become stronger and better-defined. Surrogacy will provide me with a financial cushion to pursue this dream, while simultaneously satisfying another dream- to be pregnant again and bring life into this world for another couple. When my partner and I first got together over 7 years ago, we agreed that I would carry the first child (since I absolutely could not wait any longer), and she would carry our second. We now have two amazing children, but I long to be pregnant again- not to add to our bio family, as it is undeniably complete, but to immerse myself in that experience one more time.

The surrogacy journey will be one very meaningful and life-changing step of a larger plan. After I am able to deliver a baby for Intended Parents, I will begin taking the pre-requisite courses for nurse-midwifery school. The goal is to be accepted into a program by the time our baby (currently 8 months old) is in first grade. At that time, we will have less financial burden (both children will be school-aged, and we won’t be paying for daycare/preschool), affording me the flexibility to work part-time while returning to school.

As much as a part of your journey as I hope to become, you will also be a critical part of my journey! I realize the decision to pick the “right” surrogate has to be torturous, as it was for us to pick a sperm donor. Whether or not we wind up connecting, thank you for taking the time to read through my application and consider me.

Warmly,

Amanda