5 Weeks 4 Days

Just a quick update to say that I am feeling good! I have some random waves of nausea, but it's nothing awful. I'm thinking because I've been on hormones since late May, my body has slowly been adjusting to increased levels (at least that's what I'm telling myself). I realize that things could take a turn at any point, and that it's still very early, but I'm feeling incredibly grateful for how good I feel. I was also taken off of the daily progesterone injections and switched to suppositories three times a day. This has been a HUGE quality of life boost. The injections were incredibly difficult on my body. I was having a hard time getting out of the car, rolling over in bed, walking, lifting my kids...it affected my mobility in a way I just wasn't prepared for. The switch to suppositories has been so liberating!

I did have a brief scare where we thought it might be an ectopic pregnancy because the injection sites were actually causing nerve pain on my left side. I went in for an ultrasound, though, and the doctor confirmed one gestational sac in my uterus. We go back in on 10/13 to confirm a heartbeat. Until then...

Transfer Day and the Waiting Game

This post is delayed, as we had our embryo transfer on 9/10/15. That being said, the whole day is so incredibly vivid in my memory that it shouldn't be a problem sharing it.

I met the intended mother, Susan, at Pacific Fertility Center a bit early so we could grab something to eat and chat before heading in. It was nice to have a little time to connect before the procedure. We both wound up getting each other a necklace. I gave her a glass-blown necklace of a pregnant surrogate with intended parents holding her from behind. She gave me a necklace expressing gratitude.

The entire day just felt so different from the last transfer. Susan and I felt much more grounded and peaceful. There was an unspoken faith that this was it. They transferred one female embryo, and then left us in the room. We asked if we could hang out for a bit, and they said there was no rush to leave. We sang the Shehecheyanu, a Jewish prayer giving thanks for bringing us to this day, and watched silly videos of old SNL clips.

After the transfer, I went to acupuncture, grabbed a decaf coffee at a nearby cafe, and then ended the day laying on my back in a park meditating and just enjoying life. I don't know how to explain it except to say that this entire journey feels different now. There's more joy in me, more certainty, more peace.

In the following days, I decided I wasn't going to overanalyze symptoms; I was just going to live my life and try my hardest to have a good belly laugh every day. My son had a hard time with my lifting restrictions (nothing over 40 lbs; he weighs 43 lbs), but the wait was otherwise uneventful. I promised myself (and Susan) that I wouldn't take a test until 8dp5dt. Our beta was scheduled for 9dp5dt. I figured that would give me some time to absorb the results before the clinic called.

I woke up at 1:00 am on September 18th and told myself not to test. Regardless of the outcome, testing now would mean I'd be up for the rest of the night. I then laid in bed until 2:00 am before deciding to just pee on the stick. Well...

Followed the next day by:

My eggo is preggo! Our first beta came in at 210 at 9dp5dt and our second beta at 11dp5dt was 567. This is happening! I have an estimated due date of 5/28/15. The intended parents have been so amazingly supportive and excited. They keep telling me that every day feels like Christmas morning. :)

Eye of the Tiger

It's been quite a while since I posted. Wow is there a lot to catch you up on. I DID have an embryo transfer on July 7. It did not take. Personally, I believe it was because I was not ready. I doubted my body, I doubted my relationship's capacity to hold the space for such a monumental journey, and I doubted myself. I also wound up being a single parent for two days immediately after transfer due to my partner leaving town to be with her sister as she had her first baby. I had to do some heavy lifting, and "taking it easy" was off the table!

A lot has changed since then. My partner and I just started an amazing couple's coaching program for lesbians (Conscious Girlfriend, in case anyone needs the resource). I am confident that this is what we need to rebuild and grow together. I've also apologized and assumed responsibility for a lot of wrong doings in the relationship.

The timing just feels better this time. It feels more "real." I have developed a new confidence over the months that can be seen in almost all aspects of my life. Sure, I've gained a few (ten) pounds from the fertility drugs, but for the first time, I am not letting that define my self-worth. For the first time, I'm ok being naked in the locker room! I've also become more assertive about my needs and my capacity to give others what they are asking for from me. It feels like a giant leap.

This cycle, I've noticed is far more intense emotionally. The last cycle, the hormones caused several physical side effects (headaches, hot flashes, nausea, restlessness, fatigue, insomnia). This cycle, I am just far more emotional. I cry easily and anger easily. Acupuncture helps for sure, and the more often I go, the more balanced I feel.

Today, we received clearance for a transfer next Thursday, September 10. My lining was nice and thick, my ovaries were quiet, and my hormone levels were good. So we're going to do it this time for real now. I'm ready. My intended mom is ready. I trust and believe that this baby is ready. It's our time.

And you better believe I'm going to walk into that appointment singing Eye of the Tiger.