Eye of the Tiger

It's been quite a while since I posted. Wow is there a lot to catch you up on. I DID have an embryo transfer on July 7. It did not take. Personally, I believe it was because I was not ready. I doubted my body, I doubted my relationship's capacity to hold the space for such a monumental journey, and I doubted myself. I also wound up being a single parent for two days immediately after transfer due to my partner leaving town to be with her sister as she had her first baby. I had to do some heavy lifting, and "taking it easy" was off the table!

A lot has changed since then. My partner and I just started an amazing couple's coaching program for lesbians (Conscious Girlfriend, in case anyone needs the resource). I am confident that this is what we need to rebuild and grow together. I've also apologized and assumed responsibility for a lot of wrong doings in the relationship.

The timing just feels better this time. It feels more "real." I have developed a new confidence over the months that can be seen in almost all aspects of my life. Sure, I've gained a few (ten) pounds from the fertility drugs, but for the first time, I am not letting that define my self-worth. For the first time, I'm ok being naked in the locker room! I've also become more assertive about my needs and my capacity to give others what they are asking for from me. It feels like a giant leap.

This cycle, I've noticed is far more intense emotionally. The last cycle, the hormones caused several physical side effects (headaches, hot flashes, nausea, restlessness, fatigue, insomnia). This cycle, I am just far more emotional. I cry easily and anger easily. Acupuncture helps for sure, and the more often I go, the more balanced I feel.

Today, we received clearance for a transfer next Thursday, September 10. My lining was nice and thick, my ovaries were quiet, and my hormone levels were good. So we're going to do it this time for real now. I'm ready. My intended mom is ready. I trust and believe that this baby is ready. It's our time.

And you better believe I'm going to walk into that appointment singing Eye of the Tiger.