At 1:00 am on 5/27/16, I woke up to my water breaking. Pop, pop, pop! It was coming out in spurts. I reached over to wake up Jen. Thinking I was one of the kids, she mumbled for me to get out of her armpit and leave her alone! Ha! I told her my water broke, and I needed a towel. She hopped out of bed and tossed me one. I threw it between my legs and hobbled to the bathroom. When I pulled down my pajama pants, I saw the dreaded meconium. I sat down on the toilet, and a ton more amniotic fluid and meconium came pouring out. I was disheartened. I had really wanted to labor with an intact bag of waters, for my comfort and the baby's!! I called the midwives who informed me that the meconium did not rule out a birth center birth. They would just monitor the baby's heartbeat more regularly. I was told to come in once the contractions started, but to try to get some sleep, as it could be awhile. My gut said it wouldn't be long. I called Susan and Willard, and they woke up their son and got in the car. The plan was that they would head to a hotel in Berkeley and get some more sleep until labor started. Jen jumped in the shower while I laid back down. At 1:30, the first contraction hit. We woke up Jen's sister, told her she was on kid duty, pulled our stuff together, got dressed, and headed out the door. We arrived at the birth center around 2:15.
The contractions started off mild, but by the time we arrived at the birth center, they were picking up steam. It was clear the baby was posterior (back labor), but I was managing. One of the things that was important to me this labor was that I surrender to the pain and stay present in my body. Every time a contraction hit, I would remind myself to relax into it. Susan, Willard, and their son arrived shortly after we did. The excitement in the air was palpable. The contractions were already 3-4 minutes apart at this point, but we were able to connect in between waves. I was desperate to try the tub. They filled it up, and in I went. I LOVED IT! It was incredible. I didn't understand why anyone would NOT birth in a tub. Then I had a contraction, and I HATED IT! I wanted out! I felt trapped. I had developed a system to deal with the contractions on land, but I didn't know how to manage them in the water. I got out, and then began throwing up with each contraction (as I did my last labor). Thankfully, I had asked Jen to steal some emesis bags from Kaiser, which she obligingly did. The amazing chiropractor, Elizabeth, was at the birth center with us, but things got intense so fast, I didn't want anyone touching me. Her moral support was incredible, though.
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| Kim checking fetal heartbeat |
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| My contraction pose |
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| Baby sounded great throughout. Kim and Cindy were my rocks. |
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| Susan and Willard arriving |
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| Before the contraction hit when I still loved the tub |
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| Hating it |
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| Look at that contracting belly! |
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| Working through it |
Around 6 am, contractions were incredibly intense and coming back to back. I asked for a check to see what kind of progress I had made. Everyone thought that this would be a relatively fast labor, and up until this point, I was thinking they were right. Cindy, the incredible midwife, checked me. She asked if she could massage my cervix, as there was still some scar tissue present. At that moment, I knew I hadn't progressed much. I was only at a 4. I had been about a 3 the day before. I broke down sobbing and collapsed on the floor (sounds dramatic, I realize). A thousand things were running through my head, but the clearest thought was that I needed to get to the hospital and get an epidural. I even surprised myself with how certain I was about this, especially because the idea of an epidural had always TERRIFIED me. The thought of being trapped on a table unable to move my lower half was everything I thought I didn't want. But here I was requesting, no demanding, it. Jen went to get the car. The midwives called over to Kaiser to let them know we were coming. I stood outside literally hanging on Elizabeth through back to back contractions. This is one of the most touching memories of the labor for me. She was just so present and comforting in those moments.
Jen drove through every red light. We got to Kaiser quickly, but it felt like forever. There were literally no breaks in the contractions at this point. Getting into the hospital, triage, getting moved to a room...it's all a blur. I don't think I opened my eyes once. I know the midwives were there, advocating strongly to streamline the epidural. They were so incredible. I was worried there would be judgement about my desire to transfer, but they could not have been more supportive. I tear up just thinking about how supported and empowered I felt throughout. At this point, I was managing the contractions by closing my eyes and releasing everything. I was silent and completely still, sitting on a gurney as they pumped an IV bag of saline into me so they could get the epidural going. I'm proud of my strength and surrender in those hours. By the time the epidural was in (not nearly as scary of a process as I had imagined) and working (it was only one-sided for a bit), I was a 8 cm dilated. I had literally gone from 4-8 during the transfer to the hospital.
At first, I was disappointed. Had I known the cervical massage Cindy did would have been so effective, I would have tried to push through at the birth center longer. That being said, though, the way the birth unfolded was perfect. Ayah, a good friend and co-worker, met us at the hospital to take photographs. She had wanted to be at the birth center, but things got so intense so fast, I couldn't wrap my head around another person present. We put on the Pitch Perfect soundtrack, and the whole room was chatting, laughing, and singing. I have never felt more supported in my life. Between Susan, Willard, Kim and Cindy from Pacifica, Ayah, Jen, our wonderful Kaiser nurse... it was truly a magical experience.
Looking back, the time at the birth center was so deeply meaningful, but it was also isolating. Each of us were our own islands. I was focused on the contractions and didn't want to be touched or talked to. Everyone else in the room was bearing witness to that. The energy was respectful, but heavy. Silent. Once we transferred, the energy became much more communal and joyful, matching the energy of the entire pregnancy up until this point. At the birth center, the journey was mine. Once we transferred, it became our journey again. There was space for Susan and Willard. It again became about this amazing thing that we were all doing together.
When I was checked again and told that I was complete and ready to push, we switched to the Les Mis soundtrack (it was my running music, and it always gets me pumped). There was much laughter about that. Finally, we switched to Eye of the Tiger on repeat. Each time the song would end, a Rhianna song would start playing. We'd hurry to get Eye of the Tiger back on. We eventually decided that the baby just wanted to be born to Rhianna. We let her play, and out came Soleil Aviv, posterior, weighing 8 lbs 3 oz, 21 inches long (time of birth: 12:13 pm). Susan got to catch her and help place her on my belly where we waited for her cord to stop pulsing. Jen, Susan, and I were sobbing. It was so incredibly powerful. Willard and Rio cut the cord, and I remember saying to Susan, "She's yours now." The new family of four gathered on the couch in the room, where Susan nursed her (she was a fabulous latcher from the start) for over an hour before they took her to be weighed and measured.
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| An incredible birth team (not pictured, birth center midwives) |
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| Speechless |
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| Soleil Aviv |
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The new family of four
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I tore and had some extra bleeding. There was a marginal fever during pushing. All that to say, it was pure magic from start to finish. I would not have changed a thing.
