- I don't miss Soleil. There were no tears when I handed her off. The attachment was so different from the very beginning. She was always Susan and Willard's baby. While I love getting updates and seeing her, I view her as the baby of a very dear friend.
- I do, however, miss Susan. Susan was such a huge part of my life for the last year and a half. When I went to my 1 week postpartum appointment at the birth center without her, I teared up. It feels strange to not have her so physically present in my life now. That being said, we still text throughout the day. She is experiencing similar feelings about the shifting friendship, so we're able to process that together. We also plan on getting matching sun tattoos at some point in the near future to commemorate this journey.
- I just want to keep processing the birth. It felt so profound, the whole experience really, and I'm sad that life just feels normal now, like the rest of the world is just unaware of how this incredible journey just ended. It took up such a huge space in my life, and helped me find meaning when I was sorely lacking it in my career. It's uncomfortable to have it just be over now. I feel like there's a new normal out there, but I haven't found it quite yet.
- I'm postpartum, but I don't have a baby. Susan has a baby, but she's not physically postpartum. We are both feeling like we're struggling with what we "should be" doing. I feel like I want to be doing more, since I'm actually getting sleep and don't have a newborn to attend to, but I am legitimately postpartum and limited. Susan's body feels great, but she is NOT getting sleep and DOES have a newborn to attend to. It's just an interesting parallel process.
- I am still pumping occasionally which actually helps settle me. It makes me feel like I am, indeed, postpartum and still on this journey on some level. I'm not following a schedule with it at all, and I'm not worried about output. I'm so grateful that my boobs are producing anything at all, after being so helpless with Owen, that I celebrate each and every drop, even when it only amounts to 2-4 ounces a day. I also believe the oxytocin isn't hurting anyone!
- I am definitely hormonal and tearful. I can see it for what it is, just a natural re-balancing, but it's hard to be out in public without a newborn and feeling hormonal. Each day is a bit better, though, and I can laugh at myself when I do melt into tears over absolutely nothing at all.
I know this will all pass relatively quickly. We are moving to Portland in early August, and our house is going up on the market in less than two weeks.I kept compartmentalizing, saying I would deal with the move once the baby was born. When I got home from the birth on Saturday, Jen had already started packing. One huge chapter is closing, and a new one is beginning.
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| A visit with Susan and Soleil 6 days postpartum |
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