Birth Story!

At 1:00 am on 5/27/16, I woke up to my water breaking. Pop, pop, pop! It was coming out in spurts. I reached over to wake up Jen. Thinking I was one of the kids, she mumbled for me to get out of her armpit and leave her alone! Ha! I told her my water broke, and I needed a towel. She hopped out of bed and tossed me one. I threw it between my legs and hobbled to the bathroom. When I pulled down my pajama pants, I saw the dreaded meconium. I sat down on the toilet, and a ton more amniotic fluid and meconium came pouring out. I was disheartened. I had really wanted to labor with an intact bag of waters, for my comfort and the baby's!! I called the midwives who informed me that the meconium did not rule out a birth center birth. They would just monitor the baby's heartbeat more regularly. I was told to come in once the contractions started, but to try to get some sleep, as it could be awhile. My gut said it wouldn't be long. I called Susan and Willard, and they woke up their son and got in the car. The plan was that they would head to a hotel in Berkeley and get some more sleep until labor started. Jen jumped in the shower while I laid back down. At 1:30, the first contraction hit. We woke up Jen's sister, told her she was on kid duty, pulled our stuff together, got dressed, and headed out the door. We arrived at the birth center around 2:15. 

The contractions started off mild, but by the time we arrived at the birth center, they were picking up steam. It was clear the baby was posterior (back labor), but I was managing. One of the things that was important to me this labor was that I surrender to the pain and stay present in my body. Every time a contraction hit, I would remind myself to relax into it. Susan, Willard, and their son arrived shortly after we did. The excitement in the air was palpable. The contractions were already 3-4 minutes apart at this point, but we were able to connect in between waves. I was desperate to try the tub. They filled it up, and in I went. I LOVED IT! It was incredible. I didn't understand why anyone would NOT birth in a tub. Then I had a contraction, and I HATED IT! I wanted out! I felt trapped. I had developed a system to deal with the contractions on land, but I didn't know how to manage them in the water. I got out, and then began throwing up with each contraction (as I did my last labor). Thankfully, I had asked Jen to steal some emesis bags from Kaiser, which she obligingly did. The amazing chiropractor, Elizabeth, was at the birth center with us, but things got intense so fast, I didn't want anyone touching me. Her moral support was incredible, though. 

Kim checking fetal heartbeat

My contraction pose

Baby sounded great throughout. Kim and Cindy were my rocks.

Susan and Willard arriving

Before the contraction hit when I still loved the tub

Hating it

Look at that contracting belly!

Working through it

Around 6 am, contractions were incredibly intense and coming back to back. I asked for a check to see what kind of progress I had made. Everyone thought that this would be a relatively fast labor, and up until this point, I was thinking they were right. Cindy, the incredible midwife, checked me. She asked if she could massage my cervix, as there was still some scar tissue present. At that moment, I knew I hadn't progressed much. I was only at a 4. I had been about a 3 the day before. I broke down sobbing and collapsed on the floor (sounds dramatic, I realize). A thousand things were running through my head, but the clearest thought was that I needed to get to the hospital and get an epidural. I even surprised myself with how certain I was about this, especially because the idea of an epidural had always TERRIFIED me. The thought of being trapped on a table unable to move my lower half was everything I thought I didn't want. But here I was requesting, no demanding, it. Jen went to get the car. The midwives called over to Kaiser to let them know we were coming. I stood outside literally hanging on Elizabeth through back to back contractions. This is one of the most touching memories of the labor for me. She was just so present and comforting in those moments.

Jen drove through every red light. We got to Kaiser quickly, but it felt like forever. There were literally no breaks in the contractions at this point. Getting into the hospital, triage, getting moved to a room...it's all a blur. I don't think I opened my eyes once. I know the midwives were there, advocating strongly to streamline the epidural. They were so incredible. I was worried there would be judgement about my desire to transfer, but they could not have been more supportive. I tear up just thinking about how supported and empowered I felt throughout. At this point, I was managing the contractions by closing my eyes and releasing everything. I was silent and completely still, sitting on a gurney as they pumped an IV bag of saline into me so they could get the epidural going. I'm proud of my strength and surrender in those hours. By the time the epidural was in (not nearly as scary of a process as I had imagined) and working (it was only one-sided for a bit), I was a 8 cm dilated. I had literally gone from 4-8 during the transfer to the hospital.

At first, I was disappointed. Had I known the cervical massage Cindy did would have been so effective, I would have tried to push through at the birth center longer. That being said, though, the way the birth unfolded was perfect. Ayah, a good friend and co-worker, met us at the hospital to take photographs. She had wanted to be at the birth center, but things got so intense so fast, I couldn't wrap my head around another person present. We put on the Pitch Perfect soundtrack, and the whole room was chatting, laughing, and singing. I have never felt more supported in my life. Between Susan, Willard, Kim and Cindy from Pacifica, Ayah, Jen, our wonderful Kaiser nurse... it was truly a magical experience.

Looking back, the time at the birth center was so deeply meaningful, but it was also isolating. Each of us were our own islands. I was focused on the contractions and didn't want to be touched or talked to. Everyone else in the room was bearing witness to that. The energy was respectful, but heavy. Silent. Once we transferred, the energy became much more communal and joyful, matching the energy of the entire pregnancy up until this point. At the birth center, the journey was mine. Once we transferred, it became our journey again. There was space for Susan and Willard. It again became about this amazing thing that we were all doing together.

When I was checked again and told that I was complete and ready to push, we switched to the Les Mis soundtrack (it was my running music, and it always gets me pumped). There was much laughter about that. Finally, we switched to Eye of the Tiger on repeat. Each time the song would end, a Rhianna song would start playing. We'd hurry to get Eye of the Tiger back on. We eventually decided that the baby just wanted to be born to Rhianna. We let her play, and out came Soleil Aviv, posterior, weighing 8 lbs 3 oz, 21 inches long (time of birth: 12:13 pm). Susan got to catch her and help place her on my belly where we waited for her cord to stop pulsing. Jen, Susan, and I were sobbing. It was so incredibly powerful. Willard and Rio cut the cord, and I remember saying to Susan, "She's yours now." The new family of four gathered on the couch in the room, where Susan nursed her (she was a fabulous latcher from the start) for over an hour before they took her to be weighed and measured.

An incredible birth team (not pictured, birth center midwives)

Speechless

Soleil Aviv

The new family of four

I tore and had some extra bleeding. There was a marginal fever during pushing. All that to say, it was pure magic from start to finish. I would not have changed a thing.

Postpartum Experience

Everyone wants to know how I've been feeling postpartum. My brain is still not firing on all cylinders, so I thought I'd just write out some bullets.

- I don't miss Soleil. There were no tears when I handed her off. The attachment was so different from the very beginning. She was always Susan and Willard's baby. While I love getting updates and seeing her, I view her as the baby of a very dear friend.

- I do, however, miss Susan. Susan was such a huge part of my life for the last year and a half. When I went to my 1 week postpartum appointment at the birth center without her, I teared up. It feels strange to not have her so physically present in my life now. That being said, we still text throughout the day. She is experiencing similar feelings about the shifting friendship, so we're able to process that together. We also plan on getting matching sun tattoos at some point in the near future to commemorate this journey.

- I just want to keep processing the birth. It felt so profound, the whole experience really, and I'm sad that life just feels normal now, like the rest of the world is just unaware of how this incredible journey just ended. It took up such a huge space in my life, and helped me find meaning when I was sorely lacking it in my career. It's uncomfortable to have it just be over now. I feel like there's a new normal out there, but I haven't found it quite yet.

- I'm postpartum, but I don't have a baby. Susan has a baby, but she's not physically postpartum. We are both feeling like we're struggling with what we "should be" doing. I feel like I want to be doing more, since I'm actually getting sleep and don't have a newborn to attend to, but I am legitimately postpartum and limited. Susan's body feels great, but she is NOT getting sleep and DOES have a newborn to attend to. It's just an interesting parallel process.

- I am still pumping occasionally which actually helps settle me. It makes me feel like I am, indeed, postpartum and still on this journey on some level. I'm not following a schedule with it at all, and I'm not worried about output. I'm so grateful that my boobs are producing anything at all, after being so helpless with Owen, that I celebrate each and every drop, even when it only amounts to 2-4 ounces a day. I also believe the oxytocin isn't hurting anyone!

- I am definitely hormonal and tearful. I can see it for what it is, just a natural re-balancing, but it's hard to be out in public without a newborn and feeling hormonal. Each day is a bit better, though, and I can laugh at myself when I do melt into tears over absolutely nothing at all.

I know this will all pass relatively quickly. We are moving to Portland in early August, and our house is going up on the market in less than two weeks.I kept compartmentalizing, saying I would deal with the move once the baby was born. When I got home from the birth on Saturday, Jen had already started packing. One huge chapter is closing, and a new one is beginning. 

A visit with Susan and Soleil 6 days postpartum

The Final Days

Before I write the birth story, I thought I'd write a quick post about the last week of pregnancy. My sister-in-laws came to stay with us on Sunday (at 39 weeks 1 day). I'd been really anxious about who would stay with our kids when I went into labor, especially if it were the middle of the night. We decided to just have folks stay with us until I delivered. While it was a bit stressful to host so heavily pregnant, it was worth it to have the coverage!

39 weeks 3 days, my nephew is amazed at the size of my belly

I also attempted to do an underwater maternity photo shoot with a rabbi during my last week of pregnancy. Read that sentence again. I promise it's as amazing as it sounds. There's a little boy in my daughter's daycare whose mom is a rabbi. She's phenomenal. Her photographer friend was trying to build his underwater maternity portfolio and was offering very cheap sessions. The rabbi and I drove out to this mansion for the shoot. It was such a comedy of errors! He was doing a shoot with "real models" later in the day. They were arriving for hair and makeup while we were waiting for our shoot. Suffice it to say, the side by side comparison was humbling. They assumed we owned the home (because why would we be getting photos taken looking like that?!), and kept asking questions about the house. When it was finally our turn to get in the pool (about an hour and a half after we thought we'd be getting in the pool), it was freezing! He had us get in for awhile to practice holding our breath and "sinking". By the time he got in, we were shivering and practically blue. He goes underwater with his camera for the first shot and realizes he didn't put the waterproof case on correctly. His camera is ruined and so was the photoshoot. That being said, we definitely have a story to look back on, and I now own a rainbow bikini.

At 39 weeks and 5 days, Susan and I went to the birth center for our appointment. The midwife stripped my membranes and, in doing so, noticed that I did have scar tissue on my cervix (a concern I'd had due to a previous LEEP procedure). She massaged the cervix but noted a "tight band" around it. At that time, I was 3 cm dilated (after her massage), 75% effaced, and the baby was at +1 station. I left the appointment, and went to a friend's house to help her assemble a bunk bed for her son. I joked that we should count that as nesting. I was cramping mildly and had some bloody show, but the midwife assured me that was normal after the membrane sweeping...

This bed will always be known as the one that put me into labor.

38 weeks 5 days (Still Pregnant)

What an emotional week it's been. So up and down! I'm feeling more grounded and zen today, but there was a big chunk of the week where I was convinced I was never having this baby and was going to stay pregnant and uncomfortable forever. Something shifted, though, and I'm back to feeling excited for labor, but mindful of the precious time I have left experiencing pregnancy for this last time. So why not experience it all!? Swollen feet? Sure, bring it! Insomnia, no problem! At the very most, I have three weeks left in this amazing period of hosting two heartbeats in one body. I'm ready to surrender to the wonder, and stop eating everything spicy/going for acupuncture/running up and down steps.

I have no idea how she slept through all the kicks.

38 weeks

37.5 Weeks

OK, I'm ready. It's so strange to be in that place where you know you could either go into labor five minutes from now or in 3 weeks. Such a mindfu*k! This baby girl is preferring to stay nice and high under my ribs. Breathing is a bit challenging in most positions, and I'm definitely at the place where pregnancy insomnia is alive and well. That being said, I'm doing just fine. I really am. I'm walking a  lot, still tossing the kids around, and even occasionally making it to deep water aerobics with the geriatric crowd.

36.5 weeks at deep water aerobics

36 Weeks

We attempted to do a photo shoot with the IPs, their son, our kids, and my partner. The photographer wound up getting food poisoning, though, so we just hung out at a park and took pictures on our own cameras. I'm excited to see them!

We had our birth team meeting to bring everyone on the same page. It was the first time the intended father and my partner had come to a prenatal appointment. It was nice to have everyone there, getting used to the space, and talking about the plan. The chiropractor, Elizabeth, was also there. In addition, a good friend, Ayah, will be photographing the birth. Fingers crossed everyone can make it on time. I think we're all feeling anxious about the timing since my first birth was 6 hours. That being said, at my appointment today, my cervix was finally starting to show up to the game. It's now at least soft, 1 cm dilated, and 50% effaced. Fingers crossed it continues progressing on its own! I have a wedding I'd really like to miss this weekend. ;)

37.5 Weeks

35.5 Weeks

Holy moly, we are getting close. I have to say, I am feeling large all of a sudden. Up until today, I've been feeling amazing, aside from heartburn. Today, for whatever reason, all of the third trimester caught up to me! I feel heavy, slow, achy, and emotional! That being said, it's been an eventful few weeks.

35+4

At our 32 week appointment, they thought baby girl might be breech. They did a vaginal exam and found her to be head down. They also noted that my cervix was firm, closed, and high. While this, technically, is great news, I have to admit I was a bit disappointed. I had started dilating at 31 weeks with my son, and I was sure I would at least be "ripe" or "soft". I had a LEEP procedure after the birth of my son, and I'm worried that scar tissue might make for a long labor. I shared this fear with the midwives, and they assured me they could massage it out during labor if it seemed to be stalling things (sounds super fun).

Then, at 33.5 weeks, the intended mom and I went to see Wicked in San Francisco. I've seen it in NY, Philly, and SF previously, but this was hands down the best production of any show I've ever seen. Maybe it was all of the pregnancy hormones, but I was so touched by it all (and experiencing it with her!).

At our 34 week appointment, we met the last midwife on the panel we hadn't yet met. She was AMAZING! She had used a surrogate with her son, and she just gets it. It was so validating to have the appointment with her. I know the intended mom felt more supported than she has throughout our experience at the birth center. We are both desperately hoping that this is the midwife who is on call when I go into labor. Speaking of labor, due to the probability that I'll go into labor in the middle of the night, and our lack of reliable middle-of-the-night support, the IM will be picking me up and taking me to the birth center. My partner, Jen, will join us once she can get our kids set up with care. I don't love not having Jen there the entire time, but at least we have a plan. I'm pretty sure my IM would love to deliver this baby in her car, so she's all for the idea. ;)

Lastly, I went to a blessingway for the IM this past Sunday. Sadly, I don't have any pictures, but it was beautiful. We started it off by having her tell her story of how she got to the point of considering surrogacy. It was really cathartic for her to have her entire experience heard and held by her closest friends and family. We made bead blessing chains for her and for me, with each person sharing a blessing before adding a hand-picked bead to the chain, and then we made a nature mandala for the baby in her backyard. The whole thing was so intimate and personal. I loved it! That's all for now!

32.5 Weeks

I can't believe how close we're getting! I'm suddenly thinking about things like packing a bag for the birth center and ordering a pump. Both the IM and I have a feeling that this baby girl is going to make an early entrance. My guess is somewhere between 36-37 weeks. Having said that, watch her be late!

Things are going very well. I've had a bit of heartburn (mostly chocolate-induced), but otherwise, I'm feeling great. The Braxton Hicks are still often. She keeps flipping between face up and face down. When she's face up, the Braxton Hicks can send pain down my right leg. I've been getting regular chiropractic adjustments, though. The chiropractor can get her to flip face down in the office, so I'm feeling pretty great about our decision to have her present at the birth! As much fun as a posterior labor was with my son, I'd be fine not doing that again. ;)

8 weeks vs 32 weeks

32 weeks 4 days

29 Weeks and Some Real Talk

I'm about a week late on this one, but we're officially into the third trimester! I am definitely feeling pregnant these days. My lower back is sore by the end of the night, and I've developed restless legs in the evenings. I've never experienced that before, and it makes it so challenging to fall asleep! The Braxton Hicks are far more noticeable, and baby girl's movements are loud and proud! She's head down and seems to prefer to have her bum on the right side of my belly. I still cannot get enough of feeling her move. In the evenings, I just lift my shirt up, put my hands on my belly, and lay on the couch as my partner and I catch up. It's so incredible to me that there's a HUMAN in my body.

This pregnancy has been so redemptive on so many levels for me. Between an abortion in high school and being physically checked out of my body for much of my pregnancy with my son, I am really loving BEING in my body this time around. Sure, I'm more aware of some of the minor aches and pains, but I'm also more present with the movement, the growth, and the wonder. I would be lying if I said I don't occasionally think about fast forwarding to the end and the "hand off", but overall, I am very aware of the miracle that is happening every day inside me. It's been incredibly healing on a deep level in ways I didn't even know needed healing. That being said, my goal is to carry this mindfulness and presence into the birth- something I definitely didn't do last time. While I achieved an unmedicated rather quick (6 hours) birth in 2010, I certainly wasn't IN my body for the process. I'm a bit concerned that staying present will mean more awareness of the pain and intensity as well, but I feel there is so much more additional healing that will come from that. I know I'll be surrounded by a phenomenal support team (my partner, the IPs, my chiropractor/close friend), and I trust that we will all be able to hold the space together. I've already talked with the IM about helping me stay grounded and present during the labor. While slightly anxious, I'm also incredibly excited to truly experience labor and birth, especially within this context of surrogacy. You better believe I'll be posting a (more than likely) lengthy and raw birth story when the time comes.

29 weeks

26.5 Weeks

Not much to report here! I'm generally feeling awesome, and just oh-so-grateful for how "easy" this pregnancy has been. I couldn't have asked for a better journey. I finally bit the bullet and joined the local YMCA, so I've been swimming the last few weeks. It feels AH-MAAAAA-ZING! I'll spare you the picture of me in a bathing suit, but Jen did purchase me a precious maternity suit for our anniversary on 2/21.

I do feel like baby girl is finally catching up with her growing! I just keep getting bigger; I actually love it. 

25 weeks

26 weeks

It's just so frigging cool

26.5 weeks

Viability

Baby girl is officially viable at 24 weeks! Granted, we still don't want her to be born for another 12-16 weeks, but she is viable. I've been doubting my body a bit after my 31 week preterm labor scare with my son. I notice every twinge and cramp. I've been told by high-risk perinatologists that I am at no additional risk for another preterm scare, as my son wound up coming on his due date. That being said, it's hard not to second-guess my body. I feel like I turned a corner this weekend, though, and have finally begun trusting that my body knows what the f it's doing with this whole pregnancy thing. ;)

Baby Girl M (IPs are still not sure about a name) is doing well. She is generally not incredibly active during the day, just little movements here and there to let me know she's ok. I feel her the most while commuting to and from work, when I'm putting the kids to bed, and when we're just relaxing on the couch. I'm still getting weekly chiropractic adjustments to ensure my pelvis is in good shape and to avoid another OP baby (baby born face up instead of down).

The first 20 weeks of this pregnancy absolutely flew by, but things are starting to slow down now. There's a lot going on in my life unrelated to this pregnancy, and it feels like there are just so many balls in the air! I'm trying to enjoy each moment, though, knowing that this is my last pregnancy.

My partner asked if I was upset that she wasn't interested in attending appointments/feeling the baby move. I'm sincerely not. I understand that this is not our child. I just find myself so fascinated with it all because I am literally growing a human. Pregnancy and childbirth have always been such miracles to me. Every time I have my hands on my belly, and I feel her move, it takes my breath away. The fact that there is an actual human in there just blows my mind. And I can say that feeling completely detached to her emotionally. It's no joke that surrogacy just feels different from the get-go. There's this understanding that this baby is not yours from the very start. Every time I feel her or think of the pregnancy, I see her mom. I'm not worried about going home without her at the birth, because I don't see it as giving her up, as she was never mine! I'm merely giving her back.

Officially 20 Weeks

Half Baked at 20 Weeks

This weekend marked 20 weeks! It also marked the first time I met the Intended Parents' extended family and friends. We attended their son's fifth birthday party on Sunday. I met the IM's mom, the IP's parents and brothers, nephews, and neighbors. It was actually a bit overwhelming, and the first time I felt awkward during this process. It was great to put faces to names, but the attention was a little uncomfortable. Plus, I felt like my little family was on display all day. That being said, they were all wonderful, and certainly didn't make me feel judged. Quite the opposite. Everyone was gushing about how wonderful of a blessing this is and expressing their gratitude. It was just an interesting place to be in and new energy to hold.

Me and the Intended Mom

Whoa! We're halfway there!

I can't believe that tomorrow I'll be 20 weeks and almost halfway through this journey. On one hand, the time is going so much faster than it did when I was pregnant with my son. On the other hand, when I think about the fact that the transfer was in September, that feels like AGES ago. But here we are!

Two weeks ago, the IPs wanted to get a 3D ultrasound done. It was pretty crazy. I'd never seen one first hand. I brought my son, and they brought their son, and the boys were surprisingly into the whole thing. My son was incredibly sad when I told him yesterday that I was going for the 20 week ultrasound without him.

Everything looks good with baby girl, which is quite the relief for me, as I'm so much smaller this pregnancy than last. I was worried she wasn't growing adequately, but all of her measurements yesterday were spot-on. And that was after a wicked 5 day stomach bug that left me begging for mercy!

19 weeks, 5 days

19.5 weeks with surrobabe on left, my son in 2010 on right

I am growing more accustomed to my body these days, and I'm able to accept the miracle that is happening without focusing on the widening of my hips and expanding love handles. It also helps that she has been so much more active lately. Feeling her so obviously is a lovely reminder of why all of this is happening. Since the stomach bug, her kicks are now palpable externally too! Her mom was even able to feel her at our ultrasound yesterday. :)

The intended mom started the process of inducing lactation. She is on high progesterone birth control for the next few months, along with a milk-producing drug (domperidone). She is already seeing results. I think she'll have a nice supply. Ironically, my boobs have gotten much fuller which did NOT happen with my son. I have insufficient glandular tissue, so I was unable to nurse (which was devastating). Supposedly, your body is able to make more milk each pregnancy. I think, due to all of the hormones early on, my boobs got the message. I doubt I'd ever have a full supply, but I'm pretty excited about the idea of pumping and donating whatever milk I can produce. It feels incredibly redemptive.

In other news, my cervix looked great on the ultrasound (I had a preterm labor scare at 31 weeks last pregnancy, so they have been keeping an eye on it). At this point, the baby is breech and posterior. They aren't at all worried right now since it's so early. That being said, I've started getting chiropractic care from the best chiropractor in the East Bay (Elizabeth Welch Golove at Sunflower Chiropractics). She already started using the Webster technique on me, and we'll continue to ensure that baby has all the room she needs in my pelvis to flip. I'm not at all worried right now, and I love the excuse to see Elizabeth regularly.

That's all for now!