12 Weeks 3 Days

It feels like it's been so long since I posted, and, yet, here we are still in the first trimester! Since the last post, we had our first appointment at Kaiser (at 9 weeks 6 days) where we promptly decided we did not want to use Kaiser for future care. The appointment was just so quick, impersonal, and sterile. This was also, sadly, the first appointment that the intended father came to with us.  After the appointment, we all went out to breakfast and REALLY talked for the first time. It felt like the masks were off, and we were no longer trying to impress each other. We were able to be real and engage in personal conversations about issues we never would have broached with each other previously. It was so refreshing!

9.5 Weeks

Last week, we had our intake at the birth center. It just feels so right! It was actually pretty intense because there was a mom literally having a baby (loudly) in one of the rooms while we met with the midwife. It was a reminder of how this all ends! Anyway...the plan is to obtain all care from the birth center from here on out. Kaiser doesn't cover surrogacy pregnancies anyway, so it was going to get VERY expensive. The birth center (Pacifica) is much more affordable, patient-centered, less invasive, and overall warmer anyway. I feel great about it, and I think it'll make for a much easier birth experience. I won't be on a postpartum unit surrounded by moms and babies being woken up for checks and awkward questions from nurses/doctors who don't know our situation. I'll be able to just GO HOME after the birth (such a novel idea!). The birth center only suggests you stay for 4-6 hours postpartum. I think it'll be a win-win.

Lastly, we got the results of the genetic screening. We already knew that the embryo was female based on embryonic screens, but the intended mom was convinced that they had accidentally transferred a male. Well, not only did the genetics look good (very low-risk profile), but...

IT'S A GIRL!

8 weeks 3 days

Big news today. We were officially released from the fertility clinic, and I can stop all meds on Halloween (10 days from now). PHEW! I have been having some bleeding off and on, so I was a bit worried, but everything looks great. Bleeding is VERY common with frozen embryo transfers, as they plump up your uterine lining far beyond what it would naturally achieve on its own. The embryo has to burrow in deeper to reach the uterine wall resulting in some extra implantation bleeding. Also, the progesterone suppositories can cause bleeding as they have a tendency to aggravate the cervix. ANYWAY... I'll be having my intake appointment at Kaiser on Friday, and then we'll be touring the (Kaiser unaffiliated) birth center on November 5. Kaiser will do all of the lab work and ultrasounds, but the plan is to deliver at the birth center.

As far as symptoms go, I feel so incredibly fortunate that I have very few. I was having a bit of morning sickness several weeks back, but I began using Ancient Mineral's Magnesium Oil on my feet each morning, and it has literally vanished. I may have a brief wave of nausea every other day or so, but I am still in shock at how good I feel most days. It actually almost makes me nervous sometimes. I feel like perhaps I'm feeling TOO good. When I was pregnant with my son, I was completely naive, and I just assumed that once I was pregnant, I would naturally end up with a healthy baby in hand at the end of 40 weeks. This time around, I seem to worry constantly. I would imagine this is partly due to the high number of miscarriages that have happened to friends and family in my life since the birth of my son. It's magnified by the fact that this is not my baby, and so many financial resources have already  been put towards the development and growth of this embryo! That being said, seeing the sweet little gummy bear in the ultrasound was incredibly reassuring.

I'm also noticing a lot more body image issues this pregnancy. With my son, I loved every pound I gained. This time around, I was already up almost 10 lbs from the few cycles of fertility drugs leading up to the successful transfer. It's harder to accept the mushy delEstrogen-filled belly that looks like it should be 14 weeks instead of 8 weeks. I am VERY excited to have a legitimate bump and looking forward to the day when I no longer look chubby, just undeniably pregnant!

5 Weeks 4 Days

Just a quick update to say that I am feeling good! I have some random waves of nausea, but it's nothing awful. I'm thinking because I've been on hormones since late May, my body has slowly been adjusting to increased levels (at least that's what I'm telling myself). I realize that things could take a turn at any point, and that it's still very early, but I'm feeling incredibly grateful for how good I feel. I was also taken off of the daily progesterone injections and switched to suppositories three times a day. This has been a HUGE quality of life boost. The injections were incredibly difficult on my body. I was having a hard time getting out of the car, rolling over in bed, walking, lifting my kids...it affected my mobility in a way I just wasn't prepared for. The switch to suppositories has been so liberating!

I did have a brief scare where we thought it might be an ectopic pregnancy because the injection sites were actually causing nerve pain on my left side. I went in for an ultrasound, though, and the doctor confirmed one gestational sac in my uterus. We go back in on 10/13 to confirm a heartbeat. Until then...

Transfer Day and the Waiting Game

This post is delayed, as we had our embryo transfer on 9/10/15. That being said, the whole day is so incredibly vivid in my memory that it shouldn't be a problem sharing it.

I met the intended mother, Susan, at Pacific Fertility Center a bit early so we could grab something to eat and chat before heading in. It was nice to have a little time to connect before the procedure. We both wound up getting each other a necklace. I gave her a glass-blown necklace of a pregnant surrogate with intended parents holding her from behind. She gave me a necklace expressing gratitude.

The entire day just felt so different from the last transfer. Susan and I felt much more grounded and peaceful. There was an unspoken faith that this was it. They transferred one female embryo, and then left us in the room. We asked if we could hang out for a bit, and they said there was no rush to leave. We sang the Shehecheyanu, a Jewish prayer giving thanks for bringing us to this day, and watched silly videos of old SNL clips.

After the transfer, I went to acupuncture, grabbed a decaf coffee at a nearby cafe, and then ended the day laying on my back in a park meditating and just enjoying life. I don't know how to explain it except to say that this entire journey feels different now. There's more joy in me, more certainty, more peace.

In the following days, I decided I wasn't going to overanalyze symptoms; I was just going to live my life and try my hardest to have a good belly laugh every day. My son had a hard time with my lifting restrictions (nothing over 40 lbs; he weighs 43 lbs), but the wait was otherwise uneventful. I promised myself (and Susan) that I wouldn't take a test until 8dp5dt. Our beta was scheduled for 9dp5dt. I figured that would give me some time to absorb the results before the clinic called.

I woke up at 1:00 am on September 18th and told myself not to test. Regardless of the outcome, testing now would mean I'd be up for the rest of the night. I then laid in bed until 2:00 am before deciding to just pee on the stick. Well...

Followed the next day by:

My eggo is preggo! Our first beta came in at 210 at 9dp5dt and our second beta at 11dp5dt was 567. This is happening! I have an estimated due date of 5/28/15. The intended parents have been so amazingly supportive and excited. They keep telling me that every day feels like Christmas morning. :)

Eye of the Tiger

It's been quite a while since I posted. Wow is there a lot to catch you up on. I DID have an embryo transfer on July 7. It did not take. Personally, I believe it was because I was not ready. I doubted my body, I doubted my relationship's capacity to hold the space for such a monumental journey, and I doubted myself. I also wound up being a single parent for two days immediately after transfer due to my partner leaving town to be with her sister as she had her first baby. I had to do some heavy lifting, and "taking it easy" was off the table!

A lot has changed since then. My partner and I just started an amazing couple's coaching program for lesbians (Conscious Girlfriend, in case anyone needs the resource). I am confident that this is what we need to rebuild and grow together. I've also apologized and assumed responsibility for a lot of wrong doings in the relationship.

The timing just feels better this time. It feels more "real." I have developed a new confidence over the months that can be seen in almost all aspects of my life. Sure, I've gained a few (ten) pounds from the fertility drugs, but for the first time, I am not letting that define my self-worth. For the first time, I'm ok being naked in the locker room! I've also become more assertive about my needs and my capacity to give others what they are asking for from me. It feels like a giant leap.

This cycle, I've noticed is far more intense emotionally. The last cycle, the hormones caused several physical side effects (headaches, hot flashes, nausea, restlessness, fatigue, insomnia). This cycle, I am just far more emotional. I cry easily and anger easily. Acupuncture helps for sure, and the more often I go, the more balanced I feel.

Today, we received clearance for a transfer next Thursday, September 10. My lining was nice and thick, my ovaries were quiet, and my hormone levels were good. So we're going to do it this time for real now. I'm ready. My intended mom is ready. I trust and believe that this baby is ready. It's our time.

And you better believe I'm going to walk into that appointment singing Eye of the Tiger.

All Cleared for Take-off

Last Friday, I had my three hour evaluation at the fertility clinic. My uterus passed with flying colors! The doctor feels the embryo transfer should be pretty simply given the angle of my uterus, so that was good news. I gave a ton of blood, and when all of the results come back, we will be able to move forward with the legal contract. We're hoping to start meds by the end of May/early June, with an embryo transfer in late June/early July. HOW EXCITING!

My Head and My Ass

There aren't many updates to share at this point. I passed my psych eval last Friday (not to brag, but I was feeling pretty cocky about that one). ;) The therapist wound up being more of a gossipy Jewish grandmother than anything else. A truck flipped and caught fire, effectively shutting down the bridge I needed to cross to get to the appointment. I wound up taking an incredibly out-of-the-way route, which worked, but drained the battery on our electric car. Talk about stressful! As I'm driving, I'm seeing that charge drop down and down, knowing I'm already late for the appointment. ANYWAY...if I can pass a psych eval under those circumstances (knowing I had a practically dead electric car waiting for me in the parking lot of the therapist's office), I'm pretty sure I'm of sound mind.

The intended parents had their big appointment at the fertility center this week. The dad even donated his sperm to be frozen for when they harvest the mom's eggs. The mom should be starting on fertility drugs when she gets her next period (approximately 3 weeks). I'll be going in to the fertility center for my physical assessment between days 12-14 of my next cycle (also approximately 3 weeks away). At this point, I'm just feeling anxious and wishing the assessment were sooner. I want to be definitively told that this process is moving forward. The more the intended mom and I talk (and we email pretty much daily), the more attached I become to her and to this process. I just want to jump in with both feet already!

Since I'm pretty much just waiting, I've decided to start preparing my body however I can. I was told by a friend who underwent months of IVF attempts that the stronger your glutes are, the less painful the shots will be. To be honest, I'm more concerned about the act of giving the shot than I am the pain associated with it, but I've been doing squats at work like it's my job. It's a little thing that makes me feel like I'm actively moving forward with surrogacy right now.