Postpartum Experience

Everyone wants to know how I've been feeling postpartum. My brain is still not firing on all cylinders, so I thought I'd just write out some bullets.

- I don't miss Soleil. There were no tears when I handed her off. The attachment was so different from the very beginning. She was always Susan and Willard's baby. While I love getting updates and seeing her, I view her as the baby of a very dear friend.

- I do, however, miss Susan. Susan was such a huge part of my life for the last year and a half. When I went to my 1 week postpartum appointment at the birth center without her, I teared up. It feels strange to not have her so physically present in my life now. That being said, we still text throughout the day. She is experiencing similar feelings about the shifting friendship, so we're able to process that together. We also plan on getting matching sun tattoos at some point in the near future to commemorate this journey.

- I just want to keep processing the birth. It felt so profound, the whole experience really, and I'm sad that life just feels normal now, like the rest of the world is just unaware of how this incredible journey just ended. It took up such a huge space in my life, and helped me find meaning when I was sorely lacking it in my career. It's uncomfortable to have it just be over now. I feel like there's a new normal out there, but I haven't found it quite yet.

- I'm postpartum, but I don't have a baby. Susan has a baby, but she's not physically postpartum. We are both feeling like we're struggling with what we "should be" doing. I feel like I want to be doing more, since I'm actually getting sleep and don't have a newborn to attend to, but I am legitimately postpartum and limited. Susan's body feels great, but she is NOT getting sleep and DOES have a newborn to attend to. It's just an interesting parallel process.

- I am still pumping occasionally which actually helps settle me. It makes me feel like I am, indeed, postpartum and still on this journey on some level. I'm not following a schedule with it at all, and I'm not worried about output. I'm so grateful that my boobs are producing anything at all, after being so helpless with Owen, that I celebrate each and every drop, even when it only amounts to 2-4 ounces a day. I also believe the oxytocin isn't hurting anyone!

- I am definitely hormonal and tearful. I can see it for what it is, just a natural re-balancing, but it's hard to be out in public without a newborn and feeling hormonal. Each day is a bit better, though, and I can laugh at myself when I do melt into tears over absolutely nothing at all.

I know this will all pass relatively quickly. We are moving to Portland in early August, and our house is going up on the market in less than two weeks.I kept compartmentalizing, saying I would deal with the move once the baby was born. When I got home from the birth on Saturday, Jen had already started packing. One huge chapter is closing, and a new one is beginning. 

A visit with Susan and Soleil 6 days postpartum

The Final Days

Before I write the birth story, I thought I'd write a quick post about the last week of pregnancy. My sister-in-laws came to stay with us on Sunday (at 39 weeks 1 day). I'd been really anxious about who would stay with our kids when I went into labor, especially if it were the middle of the night. We decided to just have folks stay with us until I delivered. While it was a bit stressful to host so heavily pregnant, it was worth it to have the coverage!

39 weeks 3 days, my nephew is amazed at the size of my belly

I also attempted to do an underwater maternity photo shoot with a rabbi during my last week of pregnancy. Read that sentence again. I promise it's as amazing as it sounds. There's a little boy in my daughter's daycare whose mom is a rabbi. She's phenomenal. Her photographer friend was trying to build his underwater maternity portfolio and was offering very cheap sessions. The rabbi and I drove out to this mansion for the shoot. It was such a comedy of errors! He was doing a shoot with "real models" later in the day. They were arriving for hair and makeup while we were waiting for our shoot. Suffice it to say, the side by side comparison was humbling. They assumed we owned the home (because why would we be getting photos taken looking like that?!), and kept asking questions about the house. When it was finally our turn to get in the pool (about an hour and a half after we thought we'd be getting in the pool), it was freezing! He had us get in for awhile to practice holding our breath and "sinking". By the time he got in, we were shivering and practically blue. He goes underwater with his camera for the first shot and realizes he didn't put the waterproof case on correctly. His camera is ruined and so was the photoshoot. That being said, we definitely have a story to look back on, and I now own a rainbow bikini.

At 39 weeks and 5 days, Susan and I went to the birth center for our appointment. The midwife stripped my membranes and, in doing so, noticed that I did have scar tissue on my cervix (a concern I'd had due to a previous LEEP procedure). She massaged the cervix but noted a "tight band" around it. At that time, I was 3 cm dilated (after her massage), 75% effaced, and the baby was at +1 station. I left the appointment, and went to a friend's house to help her assemble a bunk bed for her son. I joked that we should count that as nesting. I was cramping mildly and had some bloody show, but the midwife assured me that was normal after the membrane sweeping...

This bed will always be known as the one that put me into labor.

38 weeks 5 days (Still Pregnant)

What an emotional week it's been. So up and down! I'm feeling more grounded and zen today, but there was a big chunk of the week where I was convinced I was never having this baby and was going to stay pregnant and uncomfortable forever. Something shifted, though, and I'm back to feeling excited for labor, but mindful of the precious time I have left experiencing pregnancy for this last time. So why not experience it all!? Swollen feet? Sure, bring it! Insomnia, no problem! At the very most, I have three weeks left in this amazing period of hosting two heartbeats in one body. I'm ready to surrender to the wonder, and stop eating everything spicy/going for acupuncture/running up and down steps.

I have no idea how she slept through all the kicks.

38 weeks

37.5 Weeks

OK, I'm ready. It's so strange to be in that place where you know you could either go into labor five minutes from now or in 3 weeks. Such a mindfu*k! This baby girl is preferring to stay nice and high under my ribs. Breathing is a bit challenging in most positions, and I'm definitely at the place where pregnancy insomnia is alive and well. That being said, I'm doing just fine. I really am. I'm walking a  lot, still tossing the kids around, and even occasionally making it to deep water aerobics with the geriatric crowd.

36.5 weeks at deep water aerobics

36 Weeks

We attempted to do a photo shoot with the IPs, their son, our kids, and my partner. The photographer wound up getting food poisoning, though, so we just hung out at a park and took pictures on our own cameras. I'm excited to see them!

We had our birth team meeting to bring everyone on the same page. It was the first time the intended father and my partner had come to a prenatal appointment. It was nice to have everyone there, getting used to the space, and talking about the plan. The chiropractor, Elizabeth, was also there. In addition, a good friend, Ayah, will be photographing the birth. Fingers crossed everyone can make it on time. I think we're all feeling anxious about the timing since my first birth was 6 hours. That being said, at my appointment today, my cervix was finally starting to show up to the game. It's now at least soft, 1 cm dilated, and 50% effaced. Fingers crossed it continues progressing on its own! I have a wedding I'd really like to miss this weekend. ;)

37.5 Weeks

35.5 Weeks

Holy moly, we are getting close. I have to say, I am feeling large all of a sudden. Up until today, I've been feeling amazing, aside from heartburn. Today, for whatever reason, all of the third trimester caught up to me! I feel heavy, slow, achy, and emotional! That being said, it's been an eventful few weeks.

35+4

At our 32 week appointment, they thought baby girl might be breech. They did a vaginal exam and found her to be head down. They also noted that my cervix was firm, closed, and high. While this, technically, is great news, I have to admit I was a bit disappointed. I had started dilating at 31 weeks with my son, and I was sure I would at least be "ripe" or "soft". I had a LEEP procedure after the birth of my son, and I'm worried that scar tissue might make for a long labor. I shared this fear with the midwives, and they assured me they could massage it out during labor if it seemed to be stalling things (sounds super fun).

Then, at 33.5 weeks, the intended mom and I went to see Wicked in San Francisco. I've seen it in NY, Philly, and SF previously, but this was hands down the best production of any show I've ever seen. Maybe it was all of the pregnancy hormones, but I was so touched by it all (and experiencing it with her!).

At our 34 week appointment, we met the last midwife on the panel we hadn't yet met. She was AMAZING! She had used a surrogate with her son, and she just gets it. It was so validating to have the appointment with her. I know the intended mom felt more supported than she has throughout our experience at the birth center. We are both desperately hoping that this is the midwife who is on call when I go into labor. Speaking of labor, due to the probability that I'll go into labor in the middle of the night, and our lack of reliable middle-of-the-night support, the IM will be picking me up and taking me to the birth center. My partner, Jen, will join us once she can get our kids set up with care. I don't love not having Jen there the entire time, but at least we have a plan. I'm pretty sure my IM would love to deliver this baby in her car, so she's all for the idea. ;)

Lastly, I went to a blessingway for the IM this past Sunday. Sadly, I don't have any pictures, but it was beautiful. We started it off by having her tell her story of how she got to the point of considering surrogacy. It was really cathartic for her to have her entire experience heard and held by her closest friends and family. We made bead blessing chains for her and for me, with each person sharing a blessing before adding a hand-picked bead to the chain, and then we made a nature mandala for the baby in her backyard. The whole thing was so intimate and personal. I loved it! That's all for now!

32.5 Weeks

I can't believe how close we're getting! I'm suddenly thinking about things like packing a bag for the birth center and ordering a pump. Both the IM and I have a feeling that this baby girl is going to make an early entrance. My guess is somewhere between 36-37 weeks. Having said that, watch her be late!

Things are going very well. I've had a bit of heartburn (mostly chocolate-induced), but otherwise, I'm feeling great. The Braxton Hicks are still often. She keeps flipping between face up and face down. When she's face up, the Braxton Hicks can send pain down my right leg. I've been getting regular chiropractic adjustments, though. The chiropractor can get her to flip face down in the office, so I'm feeling pretty great about our decision to have her present at the birth! As much fun as a posterior labor was with my son, I'd be fine not doing that again. ;)

8 weeks vs 32 weeks

32 weeks 4 days

29 Weeks and Some Real Talk

I'm about a week late on this one, but we're officially into the third trimester! I am definitely feeling pregnant these days. My lower back is sore by the end of the night, and I've developed restless legs in the evenings. I've never experienced that before, and it makes it so challenging to fall asleep! The Braxton Hicks are far more noticeable, and baby girl's movements are loud and proud! She's head down and seems to prefer to have her bum on the right side of my belly. I still cannot get enough of feeling her move. In the evenings, I just lift my shirt up, put my hands on my belly, and lay on the couch as my partner and I catch up. It's so incredible to me that there's a HUMAN in my body.

This pregnancy has been so redemptive on so many levels for me. Between an abortion in high school and being physically checked out of my body for much of my pregnancy with my son, I am really loving BEING in my body this time around. Sure, I'm more aware of some of the minor aches and pains, but I'm also more present with the movement, the growth, and the wonder. I would be lying if I said I don't occasionally think about fast forwarding to the end and the "hand off", but overall, I am very aware of the miracle that is happening every day inside me. It's been incredibly healing on a deep level in ways I didn't even know needed healing. That being said, my goal is to carry this mindfulness and presence into the birth- something I definitely didn't do last time. While I achieved an unmedicated rather quick (6 hours) birth in 2010, I certainly wasn't IN my body for the process. I'm a bit concerned that staying present will mean more awareness of the pain and intensity as well, but I feel there is so much more additional healing that will come from that. I know I'll be surrounded by a phenomenal support team (my partner, the IPs, my chiropractor/close friend), and I trust that we will all be able to hold the space together. I've already talked with the IM about helping me stay grounded and present during the labor. While slightly anxious, I'm also incredibly excited to truly experience labor and birth, especially within this context of surrogacy. You better believe I'll be posting a (more than likely) lengthy and raw birth story when the time comes.

29 weeks