8 weeks 3 days

Big news today. We were officially released from the fertility clinic, and I can stop all meds on Halloween (10 days from now). PHEW! I have been having some bleeding off and on, so I was a bit worried, but everything looks great. Bleeding is VERY common with frozen embryo transfers, as they plump up your uterine lining far beyond what it would naturally achieve on its own. The embryo has to burrow in deeper to reach the uterine wall resulting in some extra implantation bleeding. Also, the progesterone suppositories can cause bleeding as they have a tendency to aggravate the cervix. ANYWAY... I'll be having my intake appointment at Kaiser on Friday, and then we'll be touring the (Kaiser unaffiliated) birth center on November 5. Kaiser will do all of the lab work and ultrasounds, but the plan is to deliver at the birth center.

As far as symptoms go, I feel so incredibly fortunate that I have very few. I was having a bit of morning sickness several weeks back, but I began using Ancient Mineral's Magnesium Oil on my feet each morning, and it has literally vanished. I may have a brief wave of nausea every other day or so, but I am still in shock at how good I feel most days. It actually almost makes me nervous sometimes. I feel like perhaps I'm feeling TOO good. When I was pregnant with my son, I was completely naive, and I just assumed that once I was pregnant, I would naturally end up with a healthy baby in hand at the end of 40 weeks. This time around, I seem to worry constantly. I would imagine this is partly due to the high number of miscarriages that have happened to friends and family in my life since the birth of my son. It's magnified by the fact that this is not my baby, and so many financial resources have already  been put towards the development and growth of this embryo! That being said, seeing the sweet little gummy bear in the ultrasound was incredibly reassuring.

I'm also noticing a lot more body image issues this pregnancy. With my son, I loved every pound I gained. This time around, I was already up almost 10 lbs from the few cycles of fertility drugs leading up to the successful transfer. It's harder to accept the mushy delEstrogen-filled belly that looks like it should be 14 weeks instead of 8 weeks. I am VERY excited to have a legitimate bump and looking forward to the day when I no longer look chubby, just undeniably pregnant!

5 Weeks 4 Days

Just a quick update to say that I am feeling good! I have some random waves of nausea, but it's nothing awful. I'm thinking because I've been on hormones since late May, my body has slowly been adjusting to increased levels (at least that's what I'm telling myself). I realize that things could take a turn at any point, and that it's still very early, but I'm feeling incredibly grateful for how good I feel. I was also taken off of the daily progesterone injections and switched to suppositories three times a day. This has been a HUGE quality of life boost. The injections were incredibly difficult on my body. I was having a hard time getting out of the car, rolling over in bed, walking, lifting my kids...it affected my mobility in a way I just wasn't prepared for. The switch to suppositories has been so liberating!

I did have a brief scare where we thought it might be an ectopic pregnancy because the injection sites were actually causing nerve pain on my left side. I went in for an ultrasound, though, and the doctor confirmed one gestational sac in my uterus. We go back in on 10/13 to confirm a heartbeat. Until then...

Transfer Day and the Waiting Game

This post is delayed, as we had our embryo transfer on 9/10/15. That being said, the whole day is so incredibly vivid in my memory that it shouldn't be a problem sharing it.

I met the intended mother, Susan, at Pacific Fertility Center a bit early so we could grab something to eat and chat before heading in. It was nice to have a little time to connect before the procedure. We both wound up getting each other a necklace. I gave her a glass-blown necklace of a pregnant surrogate with intended parents holding her from behind. She gave me a necklace expressing gratitude.

The entire day just felt so different from the last transfer. Susan and I felt much more grounded and peaceful. There was an unspoken faith that this was it. They transferred one female embryo, and then left us in the room. We asked if we could hang out for a bit, and they said there was no rush to leave. We sang the Shehecheyanu, a Jewish prayer giving thanks for bringing us to this day, and watched silly videos of old SNL clips.

After the transfer, I went to acupuncture, grabbed a decaf coffee at a nearby cafe, and then ended the day laying on my back in a park meditating and just enjoying life. I don't know how to explain it except to say that this entire journey feels different now. There's more joy in me, more certainty, more peace.

In the following days, I decided I wasn't going to overanalyze symptoms; I was just going to live my life and try my hardest to have a good belly laugh every day. My son had a hard time with my lifting restrictions (nothing over 40 lbs; he weighs 43 lbs), but the wait was otherwise uneventful. I promised myself (and Susan) that I wouldn't take a test until 8dp5dt. Our beta was scheduled for 9dp5dt. I figured that would give me some time to absorb the results before the clinic called.

I woke up at 1:00 am on September 18th and told myself not to test. Regardless of the outcome, testing now would mean I'd be up for the rest of the night. I then laid in bed until 2:00 am before deciding to just pee on the stick. Well...

Followed the next day by:

My eggo is preggo! Our first beta came in at 210 at 9dp5dt and our second beta at 11dp5dt was 567. This is happening! I have an estimated due date of 5/28/15. The intended parents have been so amazingly supportive and excited. They keep telling me that every day feels like Christmas morning. :)

Eye of the Tiger

It's been quite a while since I posted. Wow is there a lot to catch you up on. I DID have an embryo transfer on July 7. It did not take. Personally, I believe it was because I was not ready. I doubted my body, I doubted my relationship's capacity to hold the space for such a monumental journey, and I doubted myself. I also wound up being a single parent for two days immediately after transfer due to my partner leaving town to be with her sister as she had her first baby. I had to do some heavy lifting, and "taking it easy" was off the table!

A lot has changed since then. My partner and I just started an amazing couple's coaching program for lesbians (Conscious Girlfriend, in case anyone needs the resource). I am confident that this is what we need to rebuild and grow together. I've also apologized and assumed responsibility for a lot of wrong doings in the relationship.

The timing just feels better this time. It feels more "real." I have developed a new confidence over the months that can be seen in almost all aspects of my life. Sure, I've gained a few (ten) pounds from the fertility drugs, but for the first time, I am not letting that define my self-worth. For the first time, I'm ok being naked in the locker room! I've also become more assertive about my needs and my capacity to give others what they are asking for from me. It feels like a giant leap.

This cycle, I've noticed is far more intense emotionally. The last cycle, the hormones caused several physical side effects (headaches, hot flashes, nausea, restlessness, fatigue, insomnia). This cycle, I am just far more emotional. I cry easily and anger easily. Acupuncture helps for sure, and the more often I go, the more balanced I feel.

Today, we received clearance for a transfer next Thursday, September 10. My lining was nice and thick, my ovaries were quiet, and my hormone levels were good. So we're going to do it this time for real now. I'm ready. My intended mom is ready. I trust and believe that this baby is ready. It's our time.

And you better believe I'm going to walk into that appointment singing Eye of the Tiger.

All Cleared for Take-off

Last Friday, I had my three hour evaluation at the fertility clinic. My uterus passed with flying colors! The doctor feels the embryo transfer should be pretty simply given the angle of my uterus, so that was good news. I gave a ton of blood, and when all of the results come back, we will be able to move forward with the legal contract. We're hoping to start meds by the end of May/early June, with an embryo transfer in late June/early July. HOW EXCITING!

My Head and My Ass

There aren't many updates to share at this point. I passed my psych eval last Friday (not to brag, but I was feeling pretty cocky about that one). ;) The therapist wound up being more of a gossipy Jewish grandmother than anything else. A truck flipped and caught fire, effectively shutting down the bridge I needed to cross to get to the appointment. I wound up taking an incredibly out-of-the-way route, which worked, but drained the battery on our electric car. Talk about stressful! As I'm driving, I'm seeing that charge drop down and down, knowing I'm already late for the appointment. ANYWAY...if I can pass a psych eval under those circumstances (knowing I had a practically dead electric car waiting for me in the parking lot of the therapist's office), I'm pretty sure I'm of sound mind.

The intended parents had their big appointment at the fertility center this week. The dad even donated his sperm to be frozen for when they harvest the mom's eggs. The mom should be starting on fertility drugs when she gets her next period (approximately 3 weeks). I'll be going in to the fertility center for my physical assessment between days 12-14 of my next cycle (also approximately 3 weeks away). At this point, I'm just feeling anxious and wishing the assessment were sooner. I want to be definitively told that this process is moving forward. The more the intended mom and I talk (and we email pretty much daily), the more attached I become to her and to this process. I just want to jump in with both feet already!

Since I'm pretty much just waiting, I've decided to start preparing my body however I can. I was told by a friend who underwent months of IVF attempts that the stronger your glutes are, the less painful the shots will be. To be honest, I'm more concerned about the act of giving the shot than I am the pain associated with it, but I've been doing squats at work like it's my job. It's a little thing that makes me feel like I'm actively moving forward with surrogacy right now.

The Meeting

My partner, children, and I met the intended parents (IPs) and their four year old son this past weekend. It felt like the most important interview I've been on yet. I was a bit nervous leading up to it, starting silly fights with Jen about things like who would pack the picnic lunch and what time we should leave to head over to the park. We all met at our son's favorite park in Berkeley, hoping he'd be having enough fun that we'd actually be able to talk a bit. It worked. But then it was awkward. The Intended Mom and I had been emailing back and forth all week, very intimate emails sharing very personal stories and details about our lives. Meeting in person felt strange...as if we knew all of these complicated stories about the other but were supposed to be freshly acquainted. What was fair game to talk about? Did we discuss postpartum depression, abortions, strained family dynamics, as we had been in our emails, or did we keep it light? We opted to keep it light, but there were definitely periods of awkward silence. Our boys played very well together. Thankfully, they were kind to each other and shared fairly decently (imagine the awkwardness if one had knocked the other one over the head or some such nonsense). We all hugged as we were leaving and promised to be in touch. 

Then I got weird and angsty. I didn't hear from the Intended Mother for the rest of the weekend, which was strange considering we'd been exchanging several emails a day. I began to think that maybe the meeting didn't go as well as I had thought... maybe something I said or did turned them off...or maybe I chose the wrong snacks to bring to the picnic. As it turns out, they were just busy. I received a lovely email from them this morning about how excited they are to move forward. Oh the inner workings of my brain!

We had a friend over for dinner the other night. She asked my partner how she felt about my moving forward. Jen responded by saying that she feels it makes a lot of sense. She knows I didn't just enjoy pregnancy, but that it was actually a spiritual experience for me. It also feels karmically linked, as we needed someone else's help and body to make our family.  It was the first time I'd heard her talk about this process to someone else. I didn't realize how tentative I'd been about her take on all of this. I knew she supported me, but to hear her explain it all to someone else, it became clear how completely onboard she is with the process. I didn't realize I'd been holding my breath or walking on eggshells until that moment. What a relief! 

At this point, I'm anxious for next steps. I need to have a uterine assessment by their fertility doctor, as well as a psych assessment. The above neuroses aside, I'm pretty confident about the psych assessment.  I am feeling worried about the uterine assessment, though. What if something happened since my last pregnancy that I don't know about? What if I have ovarian cysts or fibroids? It all has been too good to be true so far! I just want to have the physical assessment out of the way so that I can let myself believe this might actually be happening.