38 weeks 5 days (Still Pregnant)

What an emotional week it's been. So up and down! I'm feeling more grounded and zen today, but there was a big chunk of the week where I was convinced I was never having this baby and was going to stay pregnant and uncomfortable forever. Something shifted, though, and I'm back to feeling excited for labor, but mindful of the precious time I have left experiencing pregnancy for this last time. So why not experience it all!? Swollen feet? Sure, bring it! Insomnia, no problem! At the very most, I have three weeks left in this amazing period of hosting two heartbeats in one body. I'm ready to surrender to the wonder, and stop eating everything spicy/going for acupuncture/running up and down steps.

I have no idea how she slept through all the kicks.

38 weeks

37.5 Weeks

OK, I'm ready. It's so strange to be in that place where you know you could either go into labor five minutes from now or in 3 weeks. Such a mindfu*k! This baby girl is preferring to stay nice and high under my ribs. Breathing is a bit challenging in most positions, and I'm definitely at the place where pregnancy insomnia is alive and well. That being said, I'm doing just fine. I really am. I'm walking a  lot, still tossing the kids around, and even occasionally making it to deep water aerobics with the geriatric crowd.

36.5 weeks at deep water aerobics

36 Weeks

We attempted to do a photo shoot with the IPs, their son, our kids, and my partner. The photographer wound up getting food poisoning, though, so we just hung out at a park and took pictures on our own cameras. I'm excited to see them!

We had our birth team meeting to bring everyone on the same page. It was the first time the intended father and my partner had come to a prenatal appointment. It was nice to have everyone there, getting used to the space, and talking about the plan. The chiropractor, Elizabeth, was also there. In addition, a good friend, Ayah, will be photographing the birth. Fingers crossed everyone can make it on time. I think we're all feeling anxious about the timing since my first birth was 6 hours. That being said, at my appointment today, my cervix was finally starting to show up to the game. It's now at least soft, 1 cm dilated, and 50% effaced. Fingers crossed it continues progressing on its own! I have a wedding I'd really like to miss this weekend. ;)

37.5 Weeks

35.5 Weeks

Holy moly, we are getting close. I have to say, I am feeling large all of a sudden. Up until today, I've been feeling amazing, aside from heartburn. Today, for whatever reason, all of the third trimester caught up to me! I feel heavy, slow, achy, and emotional! That being said, it's been an eventful few weeks.

35+4

At our 32 week appointment, they thought baby girl might be breech. They did a vaginal exam and found her to be head down. They also noted that my cervix was firm, closed, and high. While this, technically, is great news, I have to admit I was a bit disappointed. I had started dilating at 31 weeks with my son, and I was sure I would at least be "ripe" or "soft". I had a LEEP procedure after the birth of my son, and I'm worried that scar tissue might make for a long labor. I shared this fear with the midwives, and they assured me they could massage it out during labor if it seemed to be stalling things (sounds super fun).

Then, at 33.5 weeks, the intended mom and I went to see Wicked in San Francisco. I've seen it in NY, Philly, and SF previously, but this was hands down the best production of any show I've ever seen. Maybe it was all of the pregnancy hormones, but I was so touched by it all (and experiencing it with her!).

At our 34 week appointment, we met the last midwife on the panel we hadn't yet met. She was AMAZING! She had used a surrogate with her son, and she just gets it. It was so validating to have the appointment with her. I know the intended mom felt more supported than she has throughout our experience at the birth center. We are both desperately hoping that this is the midwife who is on call when I go into labor. Speaking of labor, due to the probability that I'll go into labor in the middle of the night, and our lack of reliable middle-of-the-night support, the IM will be picking me up and taking me to the birth center. My partner, Jen, will join us once she can get our kids set up with care. I don't love not having Jen there the entire time, but at least we have a plan. I'm pretty sure my IM would love to deliver this baby in her car, so she's all for the idea. ;)

Lastly, I went to a blessingway for the IM this past Sunday. Sadly, I don't have any pictures, but it was beautiful. We started it off by having her tell her story of how she got to the point of considering surrogacy. It was really cathartic for her to have her entire experience heard and held by her closest friends and family. We made bead blessing chains for her and for me, with each person sharing a blessing before adding a hand-picked bead to the chain, and then we made a nature mandala for the baby in her backyard. The whole thing was so intimate and personal. I loved it! That's all for now!

32.5 Weeks

I can't believe how close we're getting! I'm suddenly thinking about things like packing a bag for the birth center and ordering a pump. Both the IM and I have a feeling that this baby girl is going to make an early entrance. My guess is somewhere between 36-37 weeks. Having said that, watch her be late!

Things are going very well. I've had a bit of heartburn (mostly chocolate-induced), but otherwise, I'm feeling great. The Braxton Hicks are still often. She keeps flipping between face up and face down. When she's face up, the Braxton Hicks can send pain down my right leg. I've been getting regular chiropractic adjustments, though. The chiropractor can get her to flip face down in the office, so I'm feeling pretty great about our decision to have her present at the birth! As much fun as a posterior labor was with my son, I'd be fine not doing that again. ;)

8 weeks vs 32 weeks

32 weeks 4 days

29 Weeks and Some Real Talk

I'm about a week late on this one, but we're officially into the third trimester! I am definitely feeling pregnant these days. My lower back is sore by the end of the night, and I've developed restless legs in the evenings. I've never experienced that before, and it makes it so challenging to fall asleep! The Braxton Hicks are far more noticeable, and baby girl's movements are loud and proud! She's head down and seems to prefer to have her bum on the right side of my belly. I still cannot get enough of feeling her move. In the evenings, I just lift my shirt up, put my hands on my belly, and lay on the couch as my partner and I catch up. It's so incredible to me that there's a HUMAN in my body.

This pregnancy has been so redemptive on so many levels for me. Between an abortion in high school and being physically checked out of my body for much of my pregnancy with my son, I am really loving BEING in my body this time around. Sure, I'm more aware of some of the minor aches and pains, but I'm also more present with the movement, the growth, and the wonder. I would be lying if I said I don't occasionally think about fast forwarding to the end and the "hand off", but overall, I am very aware of the miracle that is happening every day inside me. It's been incredibly healing on a deep level in ways I didn't even know needed healing. That being said, my goal is to carry this mindfulness and presence into the birth- something I definitely didn't do last time. While I achieved an unmedicated rather quick (6 hours) birth in 2010, I certainly wasn't IN my body for the process. I'm a bit concerned that staying present will mean more awareness of the pain and intensity as well, but I feel there is so much more additional healing that will come from that. I know I'll be surrounded by a phenomenal support team (my partner, the IPs, my chiropractor/close friend), and I trust that we will all be able to hold the space together. I've already talked with the IM about helping me stay grounded and present during the labor. While slightly anxious, I'm also incredibly excited to truly experience labor and birth, especially within this context of surrogacy. You better believe I'll be posting a (more than likely) lengthy and raw birth story when the time comes.

29 weeks

26.5 Weeks

Not much to report here! I'm generally feeling awesome, and just oh-so-grateful for how "easy" this pregnancy has been. I couldn't have asked for a better journey. I finally bit the bullet and joined the local YMCA, so I've been swimming the last few weeks. It feels AH-MAAAAA-ZING! I'll spare you the picture of me in a bathing suit, but Jen did purchase me a precious maternity suit for our anniversary on 2/21.

I do feel like baby girl is finally catching up with her growing! I just keep getting bigger; I actually love it. 

25 weeks

26 weeks

It's just so frigging cool

26.5 weeks

Viability

Baby girl is officially viable at 24 weeks! Granted, we still don't want her to be born for another 12-16 weeks, but she is viable. I've been doubting my body a bit after my 31 week preterm labor scare with my son. I notice every twinge and cramp. I've been told by high-risk perinatologists that I am at no additional risk for another preterm scare, as my son wound up coming on his due date. That being said, it's hard not to second-guess my body. I feel like I turned a corner this weekend, though, and have finally begun trusting that my body knows what the f it's doing with this whole pregnancy thing. ;)

Baby Girl M (IPs are still not sure about a name) is doing well. She is generally not incredibly active during the day, just little movements here and there to let me know she's ok. I feel her the most while commuting to and from work, when I'm putting the kids to bed, and when we're just relaxing on the couch. I'm still getting weekly chiropractic adjustments to ensure my pelvis is in good shape and to avoid another OP baby (baby born face up instead of down).

The first 20 weeks of this pregnancy absolutely flew by, but things are starting to slow down now. There's a lot going on in my life unrelated to this pregnancy, and it feels like there are just so many balls in the air! I'm trying to enjoy each moment, though, knowing that this is my last pregnancy.

My partner asked if I was upset that she wasn't interested in attending appointments/feeling the baby move. I'm sincerely not. I understand that this is not our child. I just find myself so fascinated with it all because I am literally growing a human. Pregnancy and childbirth have always been such miracles to me. Every time I have my hands on my belly, and I feel her move, it takes my breath away. The fact that there is an actual human in there just blows my mind. And I can say that feeling completely detached to her emotionally. It's no joke that surrogacy just feels different from the get-go. There's this understanding that this baby is not yours from the very start. Every time I feel her or think of the pregnancy, I see her mom. I'm not worried about going home without her at the birth, because I don't see it as giving her up, as she was never mine! I'm merely giving her back.